Okay -- it's time.

After many weeks of blank space (and a yell from Beth to update my fucking blog), I am once again posting my thoughts for all the world to see.

The past few months have been interesting, to say the least. I think I've learned a lot, and grown a bit as a person... made some mistakes, and some good decisions. Life seems to be trucking along at an even pace, and I seem to be more equipped to cope with it.

My nephew Haiathin was born last week. He is adorable! It's been interesting to see the change in my family -- especially my brother -- as he becomes aclimated to the title of "daddy". I'm very proud, and happy for him. My sister in law had a natural child-birth (at home, no drugs), and her strength and conviction humble me. A new sense of respect has been seeded.

Myself, I have been dating a few people -- but naturally, on the majority, one particular person keeps popping into my mind. I fight each evening wondering if I'll ever be OK, or if I'll ever get over things. My mind seeks forward, grasping the strands of the future, and I'm presented with varying possibilities -- most of which make me sigh with resignation of a future I may never know. There are always reasons for what happens, and a part of me knows that this is how things unravelled, and thus how things have to be. Another part of me still wants to reach out and hold you and make everything okay. But it is in *those* futures that I tremble, for I am presented with overwhelming paths of failure, some even hidden as success -- and it's when you approach the end of these strands (or as far as I can imagine) that the danger and failure is truly seen. I never want to see your face contorted in that much emotion. It's a vision that is eased by the cloudiness of foresight and unbearable, I think, in the sharpness of reality. I never want to reach such critical density within myself. I want you, but the paths in which I have you are hidden from me. Perhaps because only you can reveal them...

... But I may never know, and I digress.

Or perhaps I don't digress, because there isn't any real point to this blog other than to post my thoughts on the internet.

Anyway, music is going OK. I wrote a new song which I've finished the basic guitar/piano for. It needs to be refined (which means I need to practice and get more flair with it), but in it's basic state, the music still captures the emotions that I wanted to express. Three guesses!

The lyrics are as follows:

(c) 2004, All rights reserved and the property of Cameron A. Barry

-=- Dwindle -=-
Verse one:
I feel like I am passed away again,
And I know that dedication is,
Such a simple thing,
Such an easy thing but I,
Am caught up in a dream,
Caught in feelings that I've,
Buried down into a muted scream.

I have tried so very hard to give,
The better parts and I have to say,
That I am stricken with my insecurity,
Beat down by a chain of thoughts,
That haunt these darkened days,
Haunt this maze,
Inside my mind,
Am I standing here alone?

Chorus:
There is always so much time for,
One more, helpless sigh,
The future is so bright,
I must believe...
Can I ever stand and be,
The man that I have planned,
Or will I fade away,Into obscurity?

Verse Two:
I don't want to be unreasonable,
And I don't want you to cry,
But it eats me when you take his hand,
And I shoot my mouth off one more time,
And I laugh,
And I cry,
And I breathe,
In the lonely night,
I'm just fumbling out this way to ease my mind.

Chorus:
There is always so much time for,
One more, helpless sigh,
The future is so bright,
I must believe...
Can I ever stand and be,
The man that I have planned,
Or will I fade away,Into obscurity?

Bridge:
All I want is to be with you,
Just to hold you close,
And tell you that I'll always be here,
But who can say,
If the world will grant a better day,
Or make me eat my words,
Deny me for my sins,

Verse Three:
And I don't know,
What tomorrow will bring,
If my life will let you in,
If we'll really just be friends,
I don't know,
There's so much uncertainty,
I am wounded,
I can't see,
I am blinded by my envy.

I will laugh,
I will cry,
I will force these words out one more time,
I'll remember,
How I felt by your side.
I will try,
Not to lie,
Sometimes I'll push you away,
Tho you are still inside,
Well it appears I'm only a child, after all.

But there is always so much time for,
One more, helpless sigh,
The future is so bright,
I must believe --
I will try to stand and be,
The man that I have planned,
Or I will fade away, into obscurity.

All I want is to be with you,
Just to hold you close,
And tell you that I'll always be here,
But who can say,
If the world will grant a better day,
Or make me eat my words,
Deny me for my sins...