Ah, hangover fun!! Thank god for ibuprofen.

Anyway...

I think I am changing.

Yeah right, like that's some big earth-shattering revelation.

Life is change.

But anyway, my outlook is changing a bit. I'm actually starting to have one, maybe?

Reality.

Sometimes I get very overwhelmed by the magnitude of it's simplicity, and the depths to which we, as humanity, do not understand it. Are almost incapable of understanding it.

My physics class is helping me a lot. It just blows my mind that when I look at the desk in front of me, it is mostly empty space... that it is simply a charge of electricity vibrating in such a way as to produce the "solid" object that I place my hands on. Our world is constructed so delicately, with such interesting rules, and I find myself more and more often questioning the world that I walk around in.

And then I begin to question myself, and my role. I observe this world in which I live. I watch it's movements and feel something underneath, a ripple that can be observed as it passes through a crowd of people. The patterns and repetitious titans that move it along in some fashion. I watch as a group of people all experience the same thing but are so conditioned to ignore it that they move on with their conversations as if nothing ever happened.

It's like there is a force that tries to pull us together in union and understanding, and a force that tries to keep us apart. There are movements underneath that are kept dangling just outside of our awareness, and though we are all aware of it we don't speak of it. I don't think I'm crazy.

I've seen a group of people sitting and having a conversation, discussing reality or life or god or self, and trying to think about the mysteries of the universe. The momentum builds up as they discuss various topics and come closer to some home point of truth subject. Then Bam. The discussion dies off as everyone looks inward and feels this wave wash over them. They regain focus. Words come out of their mouth such as, "Where was I?" or "Yeah." or "Huh." About to make some grandious revelation that would bring them all together in harmony and understanding but the words just slip away.

Most of us pass this off as completely normal. We're so used to it. It's so uncomfortable and we have no words for it so we move on to another subject or someone walks up to the table with some new carrot for us to follow.

That example aside, I think we've all seen it, experienced it... felt it.

Feeling. That whole business of I.

It has taken me time to get to the point where I can look at another human being and think that they are like me -- that they are lost in this maze of illusions trying to figure it out just as much as I am. I think that most of this stems from our innate primal fear of being lost, and our tendency to hide it or ignore it so that everything "feels" okay. I believe that we do a dis-service to fellow man by making the human condition "taboo".

"The light of words, of sound and understanding. The darkness of the abyss in secrecy."

Yeah, I think it is unfortunate that power is secrecy in our society.

We as a people, our leaders, our teachers, and our friends, have trapped ourselves up in the darkness of our individual worlds, instead of uniting to take the reigns of the dream that we are living. We finally get a chance to come together and meet, we build this great tower of babel, and what are we doing with it? Fighting. War. Anger. Ridicule. Passive consent of our self-inflicted chains.

Oh yes we sing songs, paint pictures, have sex, do drugs, or write long blogs about it, our frustration as a species bleeding through our art. Do we spend the time to really dig in and appreciate it or more importantly -- listen to it's message?

I have spent twenty seven years lying to myself and telling myself that I understood something that other people did not -- that my feelings and my outlook and my observations were unique. That I was different.

I'm not different. And neither are you. I wonder if, during my lifetime (whatever that means), our society will dedicate more time to trying to understand why we are here. Ask the tough questions and hear the tough answers. Maybe it is too late. Maybe there are too many of us now, and everything is out of control. Maybe society's desire for order will ultimately lead to utter chaos.

Maybe, when I get control of an intersteller-class winnebego cruiser, you and I should hit warp 20 off this fucking planet and find some place sane.