Ah, the day of marriage! Why do people allow the government to record their marriage to another person? Are you ASKING for your knee caps to be busted?

If someone loves you, they should be willing to go to a church (or altar, or body of a freshly sacrificed virgin), state their vows before God (or god or goddess or satan), kiss, and be on their happy little ways.

WHY DO PEOPLE SIGN LEGAL PAPERS?!?!

Nothing lasts forever, and even if you manage to stay together for the rest of your lives, you are a lot better off without getting the government involved. That, in my humble, humble opinion, is just plain stupid, naive, childish romanticism.

Get married when you are 80, and only for the sheer enjoyment of seeing the offspring of your two families fight over your worldly possessions in your name..

At least then you only have 20 or so years, and you've done just about everything (and everyone) else.

Moo.

The energy was flowing last Tuesday. Flaw turned out pretty damned good, I'd have to say, the drummer did a kick ass job on the drums, although there are a few parts that we are going to change.

I just got to hear the newest version with bass, and it turned out EXCELLENT. I'm very pleased with it. The BASS ROCKS!

I didn't do anything on vocals, just a scratch track for everyone to play along with, but those will come soon -- MARK MY WORDS.

For now, anyone who is interested can download what we've got so far. I just ripped it and threw it up on the website for your immediate enjoyment (or displeasure, if you don't like it) with the click of a linky!

PLEASE send me your comments.

So yeah!

MOO Sucka! MOO!

Hmm, not much to write today. Tonight I go to the studio. It's strange that I feel so much like sitting at home and doing nothing, when composing/playing/singing is one of the most important things in my life. I guess I just feel so overburdened right now. I don't even have time to get to the gym.

Maybe that will change soon.

Maybe it's just because I'm sitting at work.

Maybe it's because I am annoyed.

Maybe it's because I'm tired.

Maybe I am just whining.

Wow I just fell asleep at my desk. I think it is time to get another soda and do some work.

Mm... One hour to go. This shall most likely be my final post of the day. I read the Portland Mercury. It was a little disappointing this week. They did, however, have an article in there about Gustav and Daria.

Someday, I will be one hell of a negotiator.

Hm that was random. I guess you had to be there.

By the way, I am VERY pissed off at 94.7 for firing Gustav of the Gustav and Daria morning show. Stupid punks deserve to be fire-bombed. It was probably the best morning show ever, and the highlight of most of my days.

So, maybe I will send them a power-point presentation like this person did RIGHT HERE.

Make sure you click your mouse and go through the whole thing!!!

Well. The moving is complete, and the unpacking has begun.

That, and the epic battles of fooseball.

Ok, so mostly just fooseball. But hey, I can unpack at any time, right? But I can't play foos.... oh wait, I can play foose all the time too.

Hm.

Decisions.

I am very tired today. This seems to be a running trend. I think that the weather/season change is having a dramatic effect on me, which I REALLY hope goes away soon. It is starting to affect my work performance. My supervisor has shown great leniency so far, all things considered. Am I whining? Probably.

Two more hours, and then I can go home, stare out my window, have some fleeting moment of introspection and enlightenment, try to attain it again, fail, try again, fail, give up, and go play some more fooseball.

Thank god it's almost Friday, although that probably won't change much.

Monday, Monday, Monday. How I hate thee.

Actually, today wasn't really that bad. I think I am just over-sensitive. I feel very tired, like all the muscles in my body want to curl up and go to sleep. Probably because of the moving I did over the weekend. On the bright side, the apartment is looking much better.

Next Sunday I'm going to compete in the Galaxy's Karaoke Contest. I might win $100, which is never a bad thing. If I do win, I will be entered into the finals, for a chance to win....
ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS!

Hey, I could pay off my PA System, and buy myself a sweater or something. That would be really cool! One can dream.

All of you who are my friends, please come and cheer for me on Sunday, October 19th at the Galaxy Lounge on 9th and EAST Burnside. I am supposed to show up at 6:45pm, and I'm not sure when I'll be singing, so just plan to stick around for an hour or two. Hope to see you there! Moo!

Oh and by the way, have a wonderful weekend!

Hmm. One would think (due to past history) that I'd have something overly depressing to state today, but in fact I'm in a pretty decent mood. My pimples are almost gone, it will be the weekend in one more hour, and I've been having naughty thoughts. Too bad I'm a broke ass bitch until next friday.

This weekend I get to help a friend move, potentially meet a drummer (the same one who was supposed to be coming over thursday but couldn't make it... at least he called...), see a movie, take a shower, and hopefully have some good, quality sex. Not necessarily in that order. It's been almost a week and I'm about to pop.

I'm debating whether or not you needed to know that...

I'm tired of debating it and I am too lazy to make up my mind, much less tap the backspace key.

Deal.

Work is almost over. The weight on my chest is subsiding. I'm to meet a new potential drummer tonight. I hope he is good, and I hope he has a good attitude. There are so few musicians in Portland -- or at least, ones who are looking to go pro.

A school bus just passed by. God I remember those days. Never a care except when the recess bell was going to ring, or if your parents were going to find out about that fight at school. Back when it was fun to lie down in the sawdust and play 2-square.

When every unfamiliar place was found, it soon became sacred and private -- a new world to discover, uncover, and control.

Back then, all you had to do was throw mud at your opponents to get them to run away. Or, if they were your friendly opponents, hit them with a firebolt from your hand.

When you shot powers from your hand, all the other kids never questioned that it was there -- they only questioned whether or not it actually hit them.

Is life just another world in which perception and imagination rule?

Perhaps my will is lacking.

I had my flu shot. Ouch.

"When it rains, it pours"

(no shit... I've always hated that saying)

There's something about rain that always comforts me in a way. When I step outside and take a deep breath, I can smell every plant, every wet piece of earth, the leaves on the trees. It's an interesting feeling -- almost like flying, but with your feet firmly rooted to the ground. The smell is the very antithesis of burning silicon.

Lots of people lost power today. My computer rebooted. That would have been annoying, had I been at my computer instead of eating my lunch. My co-worker had her lunch stolen out of the company refrigerator. But only the rice.

Was that interesting to you?

Today has been blessedly slow, and I haven't had to deal with much, except for reality. I had something important to say, but I forgot what it was.

I refuse to speak of Arnold's election. It seems that everyone else has said enough about it already, and I can't spell his last name.

Work calls... more later.

I have come to the decision that I am displeased with reality.

It upsets me.

And when I tell other people this, they look at me and ask, "What part?", and I do not have an answer. They then proceed to tell me about the parts that THEY think are fucked up.

I find this both annoying, and comforting.

Comforting, because it makes me feel less alone. Annoying, because typically I like being alone, and I can't stand the fact that they are nitpicking at one singular thing when really, reality as a whole is fucked up in ways that neither they, nor myself, can possibly comprehend.

I don't really know what is wrong with me. I'm not overly depressed. As a whole, I generally like my life. I'm not suicidal. Perhaps I'm too stubborn for that, and the desire to know what the fuck is going on is outweighed by the desire to fuck off.

I'm almost out of debt, I've got high hopes of making music, the rain that I asked for finally came (I say finally, when in fact it ALWAYS comes in October, which is generally about the time that I am asking for it); I found a roommate, so I no longer have to pay too much for rent -- so what the hell. Crap. I have to pee again. One moment...

AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. There. Relief... of a sort.

But here I am, sitting in my relatively comfy cubicle (if you remove the fact that it's not ergonomically correct), watching the wind whipping the trees through the giant glass windows, asking myself (or whoever may be listening), "Why?".

Douglas Adams would probably say that I'm a sad civilization, stuck in the second phase of existence, and I really should consider pulling my head out of my ass and going to get a good bite to eat.

Blah blah blah.

But anyway, back to the trees. It seems that everything I look at has a soft outline, reminiscent of the after-image of a camera when it flashes in your face. Somehow this seems signifigant to me, and I find myself often wondering what would happen if I tried to push my finger through a wall. Would I succeed because I believed that the wall was not there, or would I fail because it is? Or, would I fail because I believed that it is there at some level -- which I almost certainly do?

---
Disclaimer:

Yes I've seen the matrix, yes I had these thoughts before it came out. No, I do not believe that computers rule the world or that I am "the one", and yes, I probably watch too much sci-fi.
---

I ask myself, is there a way to condition your mind so that you can step outside of the rules of reality? And if I did, what would be the point? Exploration? What would I do with that kind of power? Almost certainly abuse it, but would there really be such a thing as abuse? I ask -- when the constructs of reality are merely illusion, what is abuse? Is this trap that we call reality worthy of reverence, or does it honestly need a good beating? Do YOU feel happy here? Really?

Would we just be waking up into another level of a dream?

...Did I make this? Did we make this? Did I fabricate this for myself? Am I a part of god gone wrong? Are we god? You the reader, and I the writer? Am I just a thought, a scout, who has been sent to collect as much data as I can, so that when I die I can report to some god-jury and say, "This is the problem, and here is the answer." ?

And if so, should I actively be seeking the answer...

... Should I be seeking the question?

I went and saw Cirque du Soleil. They were amazing. The fire dancer was amazing, and awakened in me a familiar static which I can't really describe. The tumblers/jumpers were fantastic. Such grace and skill. I envy them. It was an amazing show, but I asked myself, "Why can't I do that?". Of course, I got the typical response, "You can do anything you want to!".

Now, I know this statement is true. But it's a bit more complicated than that. Either there is something wrong with me mentally that prevents me from applying myself to my maximum potential, or...

...well, there is no "or". I think that's probably it. Mental Problems.

Am I lazy? Am I so caught up in my "routines" and "processes" and the structure of our civilization that I am afraid to break free, say, "Fuck you all!" -- and to the great disappointment of my creditors, spend every waking hour practicing jumping on a trampoline, playing on a guitar, twirling fire-sticks, singing into a microphone, or sticking my finger through an extremely stubborn wall?

I guess, maybe that might be it. Or maybe, because I am impatient, I would get "bored", or disappointed with myself that I am not immediately seeing progress. Perhaps my immediate expectations are too high, and I have problems sticking to a vision and path of the future.

Why can't I break free?