Wow, I really liked this poem titled, "Deus Absconditus":

Deus Absconditus

SINCE Thou dost clothe Thyself to-day in cloud,
Lord God in heaven, and no voice low or loud
Proclaims Thee,--see, I turn me to the Earth,
Its wisdom and its sorrow and its mirth,
Thy Earth perchance, but sure my very own,
And precious to me grows the clod, the stone,
A voiceless moor's brooding monotony,
A keen star quivering through the sunset dye,
Young wrinkled beech leaves, saturate with light,
The arching wave's suspended malachite;
I turn to men, Thy sons perchance, but sure
My brethren, and no face shall be too poor
To yield me some unquestionable gain
Of wonder, laughter, loathing, pity, pain,
Some dog-like craving caught in human eyes,
Some new-wak'd spirit's April ecstacies;
These will not fail nor foil me; while I live
There will be actual truck in take and give,
But Thou hast foil'd me; therefore undistraught,
I cease from seeking what will not be sought,
Or sought, will not be found through joy or fear;
If still Thou claimst me, seek me. I am here. "

-- Edward Dowden

Well.

I'm trying to think of something to say, but I'm having a hard time getting started. My fingers are sore from practicing my guitar, because I've been playing the hell out of my new song, trying to make it second nature to my hands. It's tough.

I guess I'll just post another quote. I read this in a Philip K. Dick novel, but it's actually by some famous philosopher or another whose name I can't quite remember. It starts with an H, if I recall. I thought it was pretty smart:

"It is necessary to have understanding in order to interpret the evidence of eyes and ears. The step from the obvious to the latent truth is like the translation of utterances in a language which is foreign to most men. Men, in regards to perceptible things, are the victims of illusion much as Homer was. To reach the truth from the appearances, it is necessary to interpret, to guess the riddle...but though this seems to be within the capacity of men, it is something most men never do."

When does one make the jump from conclusion to understanding? At what point can one say, "I understand, and therefore I conclude!"

I think a lot of people (including myself) do this prematurely. Is it even possible to do anything else? Can the latent truth to a situation ever really be known and understood, when we are limited by our perceptions and perspective?

... So maybe it's an unrealistic expectation. Perhaps, the only expectation we should have of ourselves is to try and do our best to put forth effort and attempt to grasp as much of the latent truth as possible before reaching a premature conclusion. So in that, I wonder -- who can be the judge? How do we stop ourselves, when it is in our nature to choose. How do we remind ourselves that there are more choices than what we think we have, when all we can think about is what is obvious to us in the limits of our perception?

deus absconditus.

Beth will like this:

"I'm a pilgrim at the edge,
At the edge of my perception,
We are travellers at the edge,
We are always at the edge of our perception..."

"Not slowly wrought, nor treasured for their form,
In heaven, but by the blind self of the storm --
Spun off, each driven individual,
Perfected in the moment of its fall..."
-- Howard Nemerov, "Snowflakes"

You don't have to hold on to the pain, to hold on to the memories.

Did you know that if you take all the letters of my first name (Cameron) and re-arrange them, it spells, "Romance"?

Thanks Paul, for pointing out another universal irony.

Okay -- it's time.

After many weeks of blank space (and a yell from Beth to update my fucking blog), I am once again posting my thoughts for all the world to see.

The past few months have been interesting, to say the least. I think I've learned a lot, and grown a bit as a person... made some mistakes, and some good decisions. Life seems to be trucking along at an even pace, and I seem to be more equipped to cope with it.

My nephew Haiathin was born last week. He is adorable! It's been interesting to see the change in my family -- especially my brother -- as he becomes aclimated to the title of "daddy". I'm very proud, and happy for him. My sister in law had a natural child-birth (at home, no drugs), and her strength and conviction humble me. A new sense of respect has been seeded.

Myself, I have been dating a few people -- but naturally, on the majority, one particular person keeps popping into my mind. I fight each evening wondering if I'll ever be OK, or if I'll ever get over things. My mind seeks forward, grasping the strands of the future, and I'm presented with varying possibilities -- most of which make me sigh with resignation of a future I may never know. There are always reasons for what happens, and a part of me knows that this is how things unravelled, and thus how things have to be. Another part of me still wants to reach out and hold you and make everything okay. But it is in *those* futures that I tremble, for I am presented with overwhelming paths of failure, some even hidden as success -- and it's when you approach the end of these strands (or as far as I can imagine) that the danger and failure is truly seen. I never want to see your face contorted in that much emotion. It's a vision that is eased by the cloudiness of foresight and unbearable, I think, in the sharpness of reality. I never want to reach such critical density within myself. I want you, but the paths in which I have you are hidden from me. Perhaps because only you can reveal them...

... But I may never know, and I digress.

Or perhaps I don't digress, because there isn't any real point to this blog other than to post my thoughts on the internet.

Anyway, music is going OK. I wrote a new song which I've finished the basic guitar/piano for. It needs to be refined (which means I need to practice and get more flair with it), but in it's basic state, the music still captures the emotions that I wanted to express. Three guesses!

The lyrics are as follows:

(c) 2004, All rights reserved and the property of Cameron A. Barry

-=- Dwindle -=-
Verse one:
I feel like I am passed away again,
And I know that dedication is,
Such a simple thing,
Such an easy thing but I,
Am caught up in a dream,
Caught in feelings that I've,
Buried down into a muted scream.

I have tried so very hard to give,
The better parts and I have to say,
That I am stricken with my insecurity,
Beat down by a chain of thoughts,
That haunt these darkened days,
Haunt this maze,
Inside my mind,
Am I standing here alone?

Chorus:
There is always so much time for,
One more, helpless sigh,
The future is so bright,
I must believe...
Can I ever stand and be,
The man that I have planned,
Or will I fade away,Into obscurity?

Verse Two:
I don't want to be unreasonable,
And I don't want you to cry,
But it eats me when you take his hand,
And I shoot my mouth off one more time,
And I laugh,
And I cry,
And I breathe,
In the lonely night,
I'm just fumbling out this way to ease my mind.

Chorus:
There is always so much time for,
One more, helpless sigh,
The future is so bright,
I must believe...
Can I ever stand and be,
The man that I have planned,
Or will I fade away,Into obscurity?

Bridge:
All I want is to be with you,
Just to hold you close,
And tell you that I'll always be here,
But who can say,
If the world will grant a better day,
Or make me eat my words,
Deny me for my sins,

Verse Three:
And I don't know,
What tomorrow will bring,
If my life will let you in,
If we'll really just be friends,
I don't know,
There's so much uncertainty,
I am wounded,
I can't see,
I am blinded by my envy.

I will laugh,
I will cry,
I will force these words out one more time,
I'll remember,
How I felt by your side.
I will try,
Not to lie,
Sometimes I'll push you away,
Tho you are still inside,
Well it appears I'm only a child, after all.

But there is always so much time for,
One more, helpless sigh,
The future is so bright,
I must believe --
I will try to stand and be,
The man that I have planned,
Or I will fade away, into obscurity.

All I want is to be with you,
Just to hold you close,
And tell you that I'll always be here,
But who can say,
If the world will grant a better day,
Or make me eat my words,
Deny me for my sins...