So I've picked up my guitar again. I've been practicing a lot and my callouses are back on my fingertips and I seem to be getting better.

I wrote a new song a few nights ago and I was very happy with how it turned out. It's the first one that I can really say I am happy with, because I can play it and sing it at the same time and it's got a nice melody and good changes and, well, I really like it.

A few nights ago I broke a string when I was trying to figure out the strumming pattern for it and so I went and bought all new strings and a bunch of guitar picks (I broke all my other ones). I strung up my guitar and played and played this new song and it sounded great. I had worked out a great vocal melody and everything just came together and it was enough to rival Howie Day.

Last night I picked it up again to practice. It just didn't sound the same. It didn't sound as great. It didn't have as much feeling. It was discouraging. I tried playing another song, and I had the same problem.

I think I was just tired, but it really frustrated me that I seemed to be unable to perform in the same way that I had the other night. I had the distinct impression that it was due to my current state of mind. I tried to relax and consider my state of mind and play again -- this time there was maybe just a minor difference (not enough to satisfy) so I put it down.

It's interesting how my music seems to be so tied up with my mental state. I guess everything is, of course. Sometimes I wish that I could capture a feeling and a state of mind when I am in a moment of perfection and always recall it and duplicate it when I am on stage. It's my current inability to master this tactic that makes me fearful of my future. Sometimes I can do it, sometimes I can't. I'd like to be able to choose when I can.

Anyway, I'll be practicing again tonight... and hopefully I'll chip away another stone.

I think I am coming to understand that it is okay to express your emotions (that there are healthy ways of doing it), as long as you do not become addicted to them.

I spent an evening a few nights ago in a complete emotional funk. I was sitting at home alone and I was completely beside myself with depression and boredom (spawned from a complete lack of motivation). There I was, convinced that I had the potential to do all these things in the world, but feeling completely helpless to go after them.

A part of me was concerned that perhaps I didn't have what it takes. There are times where I play guitar and it doesn't sound as good as it did the last time, and I feel like at times I hit a point where I am coming to my own limitations.

I realize now that these are not limitations, but simply hurdles that I must practice to overcome, that it takes time and that breaking down a huge set of walls and tension cannot be done overnight, just the same as it wasn't built in a night. It will take me time to be okay with myself again and to love myself and feel confident in the things that I do and the people that I interact with, but I think that I am getting there.